It's been two weeks exactly, you set today as a deadline, which I refused, yet my heart aches from your absence.
I've gone mental, between wishing you well and back in my arms while knowing we agreed this was never going to work, cause we tried enough.
Time brings distance from the wounds and they seem smaller now, so I have to keep reminding myself that it's no good, you're better off with someone else and I have to explore some time alone.
The nightmare last night fucked me up, recognising my darkness and seeing so clearly how I, despite the years and the work, still held onto so much baggage that you ended up carrying too. I've been spiralling, I want to be saved.
Would you come over and make us some cheese beano, cuddle on the couch, watch a film and have some green, ginger, orange, with honey, please.
I'm barely surviving in confusion between doors that neither open, nor close. I am stuck, even in writing right now, nothing flows and I want to die again. Nothing flows.
I always wanted to be taken somewhere I belong by the lights in the night sky as we went back to the city from my grandfather's home.
I'm tired of it all. I am tired of trying so hard. I am trying my best to survive but I'm tired, I don't want to try anymore. I just want a tiny flat, my plants and the arts, maybe a yoga mat. One big window and at a decent price...
I am tired of the stress of this country, always terrified to open the letter box, of random charges that may come and that I absolutely have to pay despite never having anything to do with them. And all of this while the world is burning down!
I wish we had been normal, living together, sharing our bills and responsibilities, accompanying each other in these pains. I wish you hadn't lied and I wish I wasn't so insane.
Then again, this abstract suicide wish is the comfort of home. The one consistent thing in my life: A wish to not exist.
Before even starting primary school, I wonder if it just came with me by default.
I miss you, waking up to those big morning hugs, back when we were happy. Cause we were happy, weren't we?
All memories have faded so far, both light and dark, but we laughed in Chile, we had fun, we survived together the journey there and back. But somehow it was the beginning of the end, that adobe hut in the desert, waking up to you crying. I'm so sorry we couldn't make it through. You were the only one to ever make me feel at home in this world and I have to let you go, for I don't want to make you cry anymore.
Your hands weren't tense in the pictures where we're together, that makes me glad, but it also breaks my heart for I made you softer and then tore your heart.
The problem was never you, I hope you know that. I hope you know that you are good, you're worthy.
I'm so sorry you also have this darkness in your life, it isn't fair. I wish I could have brought you light, but my own shadows took over me and sank us further down. Thank you for making me feel like I belong in this world for the time we held hands.
Thank you for the cheesy beano, the green ginger orange and our love. I really wish you well my lovely creature.
I wish you happiness, I wish you healthy love, I wish you joy and safety, health and stability. Good night my kindest eyes.