Seeing your location that day made me wonder instantly, how can this still be here? Does it flow both ways or is just my broken mind... It's been four years.
It's been four years and we both have lives, we were so young. I really hope you are not as sad as you used to be.
I shouldn't have asked, but I did.
I shouldn't have looked, but I did too.
I knew it was gonna hurt, cause the regret of not having looked right into your eyes for longer still haunts me. You were right, I was trapped in that relationship and it wasn't worth keeping. I just wish I hadn't been so rigid and flowed into what we had, or didn't, cause even if we didn't really know each other or the future, feeling your chest against mine, bare, soft and warm, mixed with the unquestionable desire that poured through our every molecule, would have been enough to be worth it.
You are my biggest regret.
Is this only so, for me?
I'm playing lo-fi in your memory, Nujabes was your favourite back then. We never really knew each other and I'm sure it's not worth it for you to even imagine considering the possibility of closing this circle with one first and last encounter, but I needed to tell you once more, after all, this is all about regrets of mine.
Does your mind ever return to that day in your apartment?
Mine does sometimes and I just want to end it for once, the regret is heavy and since I don't have many, I don't know how to let it go. I should probably delete your socials and move on, but I would like to have sex with you, only once, to quiet my mind.
I was remembering since you came, we got deep into something back then, shared darkest thoughts and fears, fantasies and dreams, secrets I can't write and the feeling of belonging, in a really fucked up way, just because we felt and did the same. How would it have been if we had actually met? I have the feeling it would have been a fucking mess, we were too young.
Still, I circle back to asking myself how it would have been if you had touched my arm that day, or if I had leaned a bit closer as we spoke, find out how your lips felt against mine? Your balcony is just an idyllic dream, I still can see your bed and the huge place you had alone for yourself, I can still remember as I imagined you consumed in your loneliness there, drinking wine, smoking and playing video games. I imagined myself being there with you, time stopped in endless days of giving in to our pleasures... It would have been a mess.
I missed my chance to have you in my arms, a feeling that now has turned into a pure craving for your touch, but in its time was more. I was so young -we were so young, as I read our talk in an attempt to find some closure, I find stains of immaturity in a futile attempt to figure things out, heal and grow. We both wanted that and were somehow stuck in our own deep feelings of failure, depression and loneliness. Meaningless and directionless, but somehow still swimming.
Maybe that's the only reason why our connection was so strong, just a sick deprivation of anything good, belonging in each others' misery.
And despite knowing all that, I still want you, just this one first -and last time.
I wanted to write you out of my life, I was going to delete and block you, though what I truly want is for you to ask her, so we can finish (this) together as we wrote so many times in the fantasies we couldn't realise. Thankfully just being honest made me see how different we are, as you said. I looked at your pictures, read your present messages and realised, this is not worthy enough. For your words are filled with some toxin I can't decipher and your face isn't as I remembered.
I just liked the way you made me feel, the special attention, the idolising words, the sexual pull. Now though, I remembered why it felt so weird to have any little contact. You're one of those. And none of this was worth anything, meaningless it is and so it can leave my chest, all that you are is now gone.
How easy it is to let go once you have all the facts, especially once I re-realise how awful you can be.
