Today has been your day, my mind, despite all my efforts, keeps circling back to you.
Kaufland, enchiladas, quesadillas, spaceship surprise, London, Humboldthain, little surprises and the constant care.
I have my period and in my depressive procrastination, I think of your perfect lentil soup and the cuddles. I'm just sad today.
I'm trying to stay away because I want you to be happy and I know that in order to get there I need to give you enough time and space to heal from me and me from you.
I wish I could just be happy seeing you with them and I wish we could be close anyway. I wish we could chat and hang out, hug without the pains. I wish so much and though I try to focus on myself, my brain keeps bringing you back. I'm crocheting so time goes by without much space for thinking, I'm cleaning and decorating so my space becomes a home, I'm dreaming and moving toward them so I can be satisfied and forget the loneliness, or maybe not forget, but accept and enjoy even.
Still you keep coming back, on every breakfast I haven't had, on tidal, in the mouth of every English speaker at the store, each evening alone, each walk after sunset, each wish for a cider, at the supermarket and in bed. Today I asked myself: "I wonder what you're having for breakie these days"
I'm just sad today.