- "Hey are you coming?"
- "Yes, I'm taking an Uber now."
- "Cool, see you soon (:"
Why does it hurt like a knife through the solar plexus? Why now?
You lied when I asked earlier and I caught you later on, claimed you did't lie and I'm supposed to believe you were waiting for the right time and celebrate you being considerate enough not to tell me because I feel so bad about myself at the moment.
The story repeats itself, lying men, coward men, lazy men. Always finding an excuse, waiting to be fixed, forgetting: more like not caring, demanding, the push and pull, lying around to be fed a plan, not taking responsibility or communicating with respect and care, the anger! And of course, the making me believe I'm insane. I believed them.
Good that you know who you are: "two years of loyalty", sorry to have wasted your time. You showed it enough, no need for even more words on that. I shouldn't have come back.
Suddenly you're all the men in my life:
My cheating, lustful, lying and coward father, always saying the right things; my cheating, controling mother, gaslighting everyone (masculine energy); my brother, hating me since I turned 6; my first boyfriend, rejected, talking shit about me to our older school mates; Francisco, sudden hate, lying, lustful, weak, coward, saying the right things and keep opening the deepest wounds of my heart and soul, only to make them bigger after years of make-believe and romance stories; and Ville-Matti who left me alone during a miscarriage to go have a drink with his friends...
And let's not forget the most disgusting liar of them all, the one who disappeared every other week, the one who hid behind feminine gestures, half-assed political language and the "I'm working through my issues" bullshit. The "I want radical honesty and communication", the "my boundaries!", yet no responsibility for the relationship, no sense of community or care. Pure selfishness deep down. After desiring every woman in front of me, pushing me to open up the relationship, telling me about the perfect vagina and easy orgasms of his first prey and using me to pretend to be cool with his new victims, he threatened and kicked me out of my house, without a job, without a family, without a backup plan.
Now we have to add the classic abuse to the list.
You're not bad, I know that, but I can say the same for almost every single one of these men (and mother). I understand why they did most of the things they did. All of them have good qualities and fears, confusions, all of them chose the easy way, probably some didn't even know there was another path, nor their values to find courage to do what's right instead... And now I am paying the consequences, deeply in my solar plexus, as you finally told the truth of your parties and friends, if that is even the full truth, something I'm never falling for again, another liar.
To be honest I believe I deserve it. I've hurt you so badly since the beginning with many of the same bad qualities of these men. You've told me enough times how awful I've been to you, how awful I am in general too, and showed no patience, understanding or compassion for my own struggles, explanations and pains, despite my attempts to communicate better than these men who hurt-shaped me.
It's been intensely clarified how painful this all has been for you at least every week of this relationship, yet somehow it's still not enough for you and the need to leave a bigger scar is as promising as the "lies" I told while I stayed in your house: the dreams and wishes of a future together which burnt "with one talk" as you said. Still my clarifications about the confusion and weakness of my heart, body, mind and soul in that moment disappear every other minute, so my efforts to convey a message that's clear and concise are just more useless garbage in your house.
And now what?
I can't even look at you without feeling the weight of all these men; I can't touch you without seeing the inappropriate, cheating lust in their eyes; I can't even imagine kissing you without feeling dismissed, lied to, "crazy", too much, not enough, used, abused, trashed, objectified, harassed, guilt-tripped, diminished, shut up and down, yelled at, glorified, destroyed, unheard, unseen, made responsible, made mother and therapist, rejected, unwanted, desired... Scared.
So how do I trust you now that I know how you lie? How do I overcome the long line of shit men in my life? How do I separate this from you, after all the history of abuse we have?
Two years of loyalty, but also abuse, anger, impatience, misunderstandings, never-ending fights and no compassion... Sure there was also laughter, banter, dancing, incredible sex, drugs, cuddles, companionship at times even. But does it balance out? And what about now, adding lying to the mix, something so triggering and corrosive that I feel literal physical pain?
The panic attacks are back, all the walk back to my house since it was too late for trains, all the fear of the infinite men who seem to rule the streets, especially in big groups, especially with macho attitudes... The crying all night, no sleep, the pain, Jesus Fucking Christ the knife I feel through the center of my body! I'm bleeding out looking for answers and solutions in myself, in the cards, in rituals, in wishes to contact those who know how to join the two worlds, screaming-asking the universe "WHY?!"
Why did I have to meet you? Why at that point? Why do I keep coming back? Why did it have to go this way? Why, why, why?!
I have no answers tonight, just heavy eyelids and birds signing to wake up. No sleep, just a headache and the strongest wish to be dead, again.
