What's wrong with me?

          All is filled with unshed tears today, they rush through my throat but my eyes catch them, dry. Your memory haunts me, together with the warmth of home. Today, I miss all I haven't embraced since 2017, but also a life I haven't had yet.

         I'm bleeding and that might be the cause, though all the doubts and intrusive thoughts are taking part too. I feel so weak and frustrated, no matter how much I try, I'm dissatisfied with every goodbye, except one.  Seeing her yesterday was nice, but again, saying goodbye means that I don't know when I would ever see them again unless I keep putting in all the effort. Sure, I understand each has its own struggles and preoccupations, but I keep being forgotten, how come I make the time and I remember?

There's a balance I look for, there are goals I'm figuring out and pursuing, and there is solitude I need but I also need to feel appreciated, cherished, valued... I need love, not only romantic.
I'm more or less fine with myself, I think highly enough of myself and have my projects to express this heart I hold, but my self-worth keeps sinking as I continue not understanding the reason for being forgotten, nor my discomfort with so many other hearts. 

I'm tired of searching and reaching out, of meaningless, self-centred, invulnerable interactions, finite "friendships" and social media's perfect beauty and success.

I want out.

Or better, I want in, properly in. 

Hearty talks, deep laughter and authentic expression, shared projects, mutual support, acceptance and compassion, honest conversations. Warmth, pure and raw humanity, outside the norms of this restrictive society. I want freedom, but together. Respect and appreciation, is that such a hard thing to achieve?

Am I insane for wanting relationships that truly make me happy? Is that even possible, does it exist at all? Am I just wrong, are these wishes just some sick, perverted urge? Are there no other hearts around who may want the same?

Or is it me? What am I doing wrong? What am I not seeing that keeps me from having... a true friend?

I may think and say it's the bleeding of this month, but I know, deep down, it's the lack of love. No matter how much my inner world is blamed, I truly believe and know, that it's not that I'm not giving myself enough love, enough attention, acceptance; enough freedom or space to be; enough compassion and warmth. 
What I believe, is that there is something about my behaviour or beliefs, that keeps me from having the relationships I truly dream of, but I can't see it. And how could I, when I barely see anyone?

I'm tired of reaching out. I'm tired of feeling lonely, I'm tired of this difficult life, always on the verge of crumbling. I'm tired of doubting the one love I have left instead of enjoying it as it should be.

I'm tired of missing.

I will continue to create, maybe then I will at least be stable and this loneliness won't be so deadly anymore.