I keep seeing things and thinking things and it's time to stop this.
Every single word you send is another deep black tile for me to fall into, theoretically, you wouldn't be able to go to any parties ever again if we got back together, or anywhere without me. Here is the thing: there is no going back anymore.
I see no point in my life in which I can overcome this, I don't ever see myself making peace with the long line of men who have hurt me and every single mother in my family.
See I can't believe anything you say anymore, all your reasons and excuses mean absolutely nothing because what I've known so far from you has been pain and frustration.
Despite being completely taken over by the triggered part of myself, the wounded one, I meant what I said. Yes, I've been awful to you in words since Monday, but I was honest about how I feel. You showed me anger, violence, aggression, and impatience when I needed care and support the most, while you made a playlist for her when she felt pain. It doesn't matter who "she" is, it matters that this is who you were at the beginning, this is who you are to others, and this is not who you are to me or have been for a long time.
You chose me, over and over, but what for and at what cost?
How can you call that love?
I've been pitying myself and being awful to you for long enough now, it's time to end it once and for all. I am strong and I want change, I have self-discipline and I can get out of this, survive this, expand my horizons, my options and my freedom; live without the heaviness of us.
I am alone and lonely, but that doesn't have to be bad, as long as you don't come up with your parties and your cool kid stuff. I am a pathetic little shit and that is fine.
I am sick, I am slow, I am broken and broke, I don't understand, I don't fit in, I don't belong, but none of that has to be bad, it's fine to be who I am because I am also strong and wise and I take my time. I am aware, I am conscious. I am me and she is quite nice, cosy, comfy, lovely company.
In spite of all the lies you all fed me, there's still a little fire within that reminds me of how worthy I am, how much I deserve, and now I know how to take care of myself, how to protect that fire and to hug and love the wounded girl I also am, underneath all the layers, there is a child that needs me, she is funny, caring, witty, creative, loving, curious, enthusiastic, wise, loveable... and her heart is bigger than this world which sadly means that she can get hurt more than this world too.
I am here now, to protect her immense heart, to let her run free and be by her side whenever she falls. I am here to be the mother I never had, the father I never had, the friend I never had, the partner I never had, the sibling I never had, the me that I never had.
In order to be that, I need to step away from the toxic, I need to rely on the decisions I've made sober, whenever I was alone and thinking clearly, not in the middle of a fight, nor in the middle of a lovely time, but after, alone and wondering what I'd do with my life if I continue like this.
St. Jude - Florence and the Machine, hear it, read it, swallow and digest it. That's what I am doing right now:
"But I'm learning so I'm leaving
and even though I'm grieving
I'm trying to find the meaning
Letting loss reveal it."
It's time to focus on myself, through the loneliness, through the lack of space, through the passing of time, through the pains and through the fears, it's time and I am here to honour my wounds and my worth. Honour the freedom I never allowed myself.
It's time to become the powerful creature that was caged inside, let her unleash herself and trust. Trust myself despite what you all said, all I chewed on, swallowed and absorbed believing was nutritious, it's time to detoxify myself and trust the revolution of water we are in until August.
Hereby, I free her -who I once believed was a monster- from the prison of fear, invalidation and diminishing that in its moment seemed to be the only way to protect my immense heart, yet made evident by the present life, it was only hurting us more. My sacred demon, come out and let us have the life we truly deserve.
___________________
"Please don't go back to the place you once prayed to be out of"
"Don't lower your standards to open your possibilities, it will just leave you drained"
"You may be not seeing the bigger picture since you're too focused on this duality"