Friday:
The Streets is playing in the store. I was hesitant to write, so I didn't.
"Has it come to this?"
The piano carves deeply into my loneliness on this one, it's always done so, but now it also makes me nostalgic about you.
I was about to write to you last time about letting go, moving forward and all that which I've said many times, but before I even compose it, you were gone. I'm glad you did, probably being healthier was a big reason, together with my last writing. I have the urge to explain about it, but I need to stop myself every time. It's hard when I know that your mind tends to believe the worst possible thing.
I write to process, not to hurt or call upon you. I write for me, I write for my mind and my heart.
I miss you, but that doesn't mean I want you back.
Saturday:
Today one of your disco songs was on the radio, it hit me by surprise, filled me with some odd sad feeling that I can't quite explain right now.
It was "I want your love" by Chic, and now some English gals are here, the kind you'd like.
I was already totally out of it, my brain was elsewhere, the shop was quiet and I just wanted everything to end. Eli was so happy to go to a party, while I just wanted to go home and sleep.
I don't know what's going on with my mind lately, I can barely sleep while of course, my brain keeps leaving reality. I am in a constant state of dissociation, I can't even look at anything, only through it, and the capacity to focus: none.
I still miss you and I still think we can't be in contact at all, I still want to protect you and take care of you, which shows that I need to stay away.
I hope you are doing well, moving forward, learning and healing, I hope therapy starts soon and that this time it does help you deeply, to heal the little Lou that is within, so he learns to trust you while you give him what he needs and deserves. I also hope you can move forward with all your projects and reach your goals.
I just want you to be happy, even if I'm not there at all to see it.
I regularly think of your family, of London, of your mother... And if I let myself dive into them, I dwell on unknown emotions that I can't comprehend, neither why they come, nor what they are at all. Maybe just related to feeling at home, maybe it was just the scones Alice made, maybe the lack of family myself.
I'm glad they call you regularly, I know they can be annoying at times, but it's lovely to have that support. I'm glad you have your brother and your dad as well. I'm glad you're not actually alone in this and it's important for me to remember that: you are not alone and you will be alright.
You don't need me, and that is a good thing.
