I guess it's part of the healing, to be curious about what's under the bandage, at times, like this one, there's tissue stuck to the cloth and as you pull to take a look it breaks a bit of the effort your body made to heal it and the work begins again.
Only I knew it wasn't healed yet, because when I think of him with either of them three that broke us, I feel flustered and go straight back into the hole I've been trying to climb out of.
It wasn't them who broke us, I know. Still, the images of them together dig with claws into some really sick place within my soul. Betrayals and traumas I wish I didn't have, despite I'd love to have breakfast with him, but it won't turn out well. I don't really want to know what he's been up to because it's probably exactly what I imagine and it hurts that they get to have that while I got so much shit.
Some drinks, some parties, some drugs, some sex, maybe a pile of condoms under the bed this time, maybe an entirely new relationship... There's a reason the statistics on this page have to go down, probably there's a new obsession on the way.
How mean I can be.
The thing is, I'm just confused. I truly want him to be happy, but I also just want all of that to be erased from my brain and for him to stop all contact with them three and since I miss him, I can't find peace. I never had something like that before, I just wish the good parts had been healthy instead of this awful war it became. I wish there had been true love and not just trauma bonding... But so I wonder about my own sick and twisted heart.
They didn't break us, it was the mistrust, the broken promises, the lies. The anger, the frustration, the control.
It was trauma bonding all along.
I just wonder if I'd ever be as fulfilled as then, or if that balance between extreme companionship, fun, passion, intimacy and healthy space, individuality and support is actually not possible without the toxicity of enmeshment.
I know this is on me, this is me, I fight my toxicity as much as I can, but that means, I stay contrived as well.
Is he still seeing them? Was she a dj? Is he fucking them? Are they back to being friends?
They may be having a great time, much better without me as I always believed. Like in my dream of being transparent "La Olvidada", I truly believe you all are better off without me.
... At least life has shown me that in one case, it's not like that, even when it seems to be. In his case though, I'm sure it is. He has his freedom and his vices and his girls and his parties, no mother-anchor to hold him responsible, no therapists-consciousness to advise him on better decisions.
I'm freer as well and focusing on my dreams has been a big push. My knitting projects are back and I'm actually good at it. My wishes of living alone might even become true by the next year or so, I'm just opening doors lately, cleaning up dusty, forgotten places in my soul.
I'm sadder, I'm less confident, but I'm stronger and braver, I'm lonelier, I'm less energized, but I'm reminding myself I'm worthy and enough, I can make my dreams come true and I deserve good things, big things too.
I'm more jealous, but I can see it's the apps and the socials. I'm still worthy of love and compassion like we all are.
I wish I knew what I want with this, I wish I knew what is best for me about him. But only time will tell, so patience and focusing on myself are the best options I have, they do me good.
