It's back, it's all back but I'm alone this time.
I never thought I'd be the forgotten one, yet here I am, no messages on my phone, no calls, no one knocking at my door. I've completely disappeared, I am in the void I so feared. How long have I, without noticing, been here?
I wish at least I had the good parts of being alone, but the system forced me to living with others. Is it that farfetched and insane to imagine having a place for myself?
A cosy little kitchen, a calming bathtub, a nook to cuddle with a tea and a book and a balcony to grow some plants. A big carpet and a coffee table to sit and work at. I can see it perfectly, with a view of some trees, or maybe at the beach. My cabin in the woods to follow the loneliness I've always been.
Talking to my beautiful family made me feel so full, but the second it was over it all came back.
I'm deeper in depression than I've been in the last 4 years. I'm in a pain and discomfort that's half unknown, I'm not home.
I try, but all my mind goes to is the downsides. I haven't lived any upsides. I'm not meant to be so social, but at least I could have the good parts of either being social or not.
How can I keep my routines when I can't leave my space ready for it, when I'm too anxious to leave the house for my own reasons. Ugh whatever.
Why am I so difficult? Why don't I have any friends? Why can't I finish anything? Why am I not really good at anything?
I'm just a failed version of a human. My body is working strangely due to my discomfort in this place, but I don't want to accept it because here is much better than there, I don't want to say it because I'm scared of how you'd feel.
I want to leave this planet. They all talk about manifesting and they have perfect lives, perfect jobs, perfect friends, perfect partners, perfect houses, perfect bodies, perfect skin, Jesus even the perfect weather!
How can I feel any better when I feel like I'm missing the secret ingredient they have? What am I not seeing? Why can't I find it? Why am I stuck and contrived?
It's all back, all of it, entirely and fully. Not only mistrusting and not being worthy, but the failure, the impossible dreams, the wish to escape.
My will to live is gone again, when can I leave, I give up on this game, I lost and that's ok.
I just don't want to roam around seeing others achieve what I couldn't anymore. Please, take me away.
No wonder I keep coming back to you. I'm so lonely, I've always been so lonely. Hell I don't even know how to make and keep friends, I try so hard, I get so tired and they never ask me how I am. What am I doing wrong?
No wonder I keep coming back to you, no ritual can break it, no therapy. I'm cursed. And I'm slowly passing that curse to you, unless you were cursed already too, but you made it through, you have friends, a few but worthy, you have a loving family who writes and calls. We're both lost, unstable, weak, so being together helps us forget all the pain our hearts have gone through, substance abuse. Only we made more pain for us in the meantime, we can't have the good without the bad.
I don't want to share more of this curse with you. You could get out once, you will do it again, but not if I'm there to spread my loneliness, my discomfort, my incapacity to fit in, to belong, to feel at home.
Quiero a mi hermana, que me cuide como cuando era niña. Quiero a la Alicia, que juegue conmigo con los lápices. Quiero a la Carmen, que me haga pancitos después del colegio, y una leche con chocolate.
Quiero aprender a tener amigos, a sentirme cómoda con ellos, a cuidarles y que me cuiden.
Por qué siento que hay algo que no logro entender de las relaciones humanas? Las quiero, las busco, lo intento, pero no están, no hay nada.
What's wrong with me?
I've been in bed for days, only out to see the only person who would see me right now. I've barely eaten for days, I've barely spoken for days. No showers for days. I tried to arrange the space and make it better for me, but it's not enough. How would it be if I lived alone?
The dreams come but the reality weights them down: Why can't I be normal? Why am I not normal? What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?
What's
Wrong
With
Me.
Can I even be helped, or am I doomed to roam this life with the infinite heaviness of loneliness until I die?